Shoulder to Cry On

I don't know what it is about me that makes people treat me like their diary, but despite my stoicism and rampant sarcasm, people seem to open up to me. It's possible that they think I'm internally judging them (which is rarely the case) and they're simply attempting to humanize themselves in my eyes in an effort to gain my approval. Whatever it is, I usually can't make people shut up, so I'm often the first person that everyone comes to when they need to vent or when they have something they need to get off their chest and don't feel comfortable bringing to anyone else. And sometimes it's uncomfortable.

Dopplebänger

It's not often that I'm the one being pursued, but every now and then there will appear in my life a woman so insanely taken with my charms that she just can't help but throw herself at me. This creates a kind of...dissonance for me, because, while I prefer to be the one being chased (and, really, who doesn't?), I can't bring myself to actually date anyone that would demean themselves the way that these women do while trying to court me. It's a matter of subtlety, I suppose, or maybe the women that find themselves attracted to me are just insane. Actually, the insanity would explain the attraction, so I think we've found our answer.

Follow the Leader

At one point in my life, I was a good student. By no means was I a genius, but I was always willing to do my homework and I never handed in anything late. I also never skipped school, never skipped class, and was even occasionally considered the teacher's pet. This wavered slightly during the fourth grade, through a game of telephone, but it wasn't until the ninth grade that I had any real taste of defiance.

Unsolicited Advice 3

Trolling through the dating section of Yahoo!Answers, I've compiled a few questions in need of attention that I think I might try my hand at answering. Granted, my advice is likely to be horrible, but I think it's unlikely that the authors of these questions will read this blog anyway. And if they do, and happen to take my advice...they are more than welcome to pen a guest entry to let me know just how horribly I screwed them over.

Musical Chairs

Sometimes, amongst a group of people, I can grow to become super popular. Usually, this leads to my eventual rise to tyranny and inevitable fall from grace where, after a period of being left on the fringes of my friends, I come back, humbled, as their formerly martyred friend. This is pretty much the story with every group of people I've ever been in, whether it was in elementary school, middle school, high school, college, or my early adulthood's workplace. But this story takes place before my first fall from grace, before I knew how bad I could make things for myself...again and again and again.

Entrapment

I'm not one that ever really takes notice when a girl likes me. This is, in part, because it happens so rarely that I'm never quite prepared for it. Also, I'm never sure how to deal with it when the issue does arise. Actually, and more to the point, it's almost always the women that I have almost no interest in that are interested in me, which is a shame for everyone involved. I've been told that I might have set my standards a little too high, which could very possibly be true, but, then again, do I really want to be the kind of guy that just settles for anyone?

Scott Pilgrim Versus the World

_***½

Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera), a typical Canadian twenty-something, battles against the League of Evil Exes in order to win the heart of Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). Meanwhile, Knives Chau (Ellen Wong), Scott's ex-girlfriend, plots to win back her first love through any means possible.

SURPRISE! (Party)

I hate the idea of parties, but I usually find myself enjoying them. Other people's parties, that is. My own, I'm just really not into, so it really says something when I'm willing to throw a party in my own space. It's not that I don't enjoy the party planning aspect of it, or spending time with the people I love, it's that I really don't like people getting up in my stuff and judging who I am outside of the real world. Somehow I thought it would be a good idea to throw a surprise party for one of the women in my life.

Festival of Fun

In my hometown, there was an annual fair that happened during the fall, and if you went on the first day and bought a bracelet, you didn't have to pay to get on the rides. Naturally, this made the first night the busiest night, and you were bound to run into everyone you knew at school during that night because nobody wanted to be known as the kid that "missed out."

Chivalry: Generosity

According to Scott Farrell, generosity is a large part of what makes a knight, or what contributes to making one chivalrous in today's society. It isn't about donating all worldly possessions to charity or buying things for those who have less in life. Generosity can include the sharing of attention, time, knowledge, and sometimes the only thing you need to share is a smile. The goal of generosity shouldn't be to feel better about yourself, that just seems like a good way to feed your smugness; the true aim of generosity is the creation of a strong sense of community, giving of one's self to encourage others to do the same.

Painted Windows

There are a lot of times that the women in my life can force me to do things that I don't want to do, and there are other times that I'm just completely unwilling to give in to their whims. This event was a result of...neither of those things. Instead, this was a weekend brought on by spite. Normally, when I find myself suffering from an absolute hatred of someone, I do everything in my power to stay away from said person...until they push me too far, after which I spend all of my waking hours ensuring that their life is as terrible as mine. Because I'm not at all a bad person or anything.

STOP! Hugger-Time!

I don't know what it is about me that makes people, usually my mother, want to hug me. I'm very open about my disdain for physical contact with people, so why there are strangers that just wander up to me and want to wrap their arms around me I have no idea. I think there's some cosmic joke being played on me, and I really don't think it's as funny as the rest of the universe appears to. I'm not even that approachable a person, so these people need to step off already.

Rule 03: Mind Your Business

"Thou shalt not knowingly strive to break up a correct love affair that someone else is engaged in," the third chief rule in love according to Andreas Capellanus, is as relevant today as it ever was. One should never try to break up someone else's relationship for any reason, because, really, it's none of your damn business what other people do. Now, this rule really only applies to "correct love affairs," ie. healthy relationships that work for both parties. If you find that someone you love is trapped in an abusive relationship, then you should probably take action.

I Wanna Dance With Somebody

I don't enjoy dancing. It's just...awkward and unpleasant and I'm not good at it and I don't want to do it and you can't make me. I'm too self-conscious for that kind of activity, and I don't think dancing with me has ever ended well for anyone. My self-consciousness wasn't always such a hindrance, as I do recall a few times that I danced publicly without a care in the world.

How Soon is Too Soon?

There's a certain mourning period that must be respected when someone's relationship has broken off. The length of time it takes for someone to get over their failed romance is variable depending on a myriad of factors: the length of the relationship, how the relationship was ended, who broke up with whom, and so forth. The feelings of the people that discarded their relationship have to be taken into account by their social circle, as some topics, though seemingly harmless in nature, might trigger an unexpected emotional reaction, and they may have a heightened sensitivity to how their feelings are dealt with by their friends. So I have to ask: how soon is too soon to ask out a girl that just broke up with her boyfriend?

Guest: Holy Water

In the earlier days of high school, I would get off the first bus at another high school and part ways with my friends to make the transfer to my second bus. This connection was about an hour long wait; sun, rain, or snow. It was an unfortunate necessity, as I lived very far out of town.

Screw Friends, I'mma Get Some!

I think we've all been in a situation where one of our close friends becomes involved in a romantic relationship, and, seemingly overnight, we find ourselves asking why they stopped calling. There's a balance that has to be made between your friendships and your romances that a lot of people just don't seem able to make, but there's never a time that you should choose one over the other. Remember: it's never appropriate to abandon a friend for a date.

Hung Up on You

I have a long history of talking on the phone for inappropriate amounts of time. It's not that I would ever pick up the phone and make the call myself, because interaction over the phone just doesn't appeal to me, but when a girl gets me talking on the phone, she's unlikely ever to get me to shut up. This became an issue for my parents when I entered high school, because the battery in their phone was often dead due to my extended conversations. And this is the story of when that conversation went on just long enough to force my parents to get me my own phone line.

Before Sunrise

_****

It's love at first sight when Jesse (Ethan Hawke) spots Céline (Julie Delpy) on a train from Budapest to Vienna. The pair disembark the train and wander the city until the sun comes up, conversing about everything they're afraid to say to anyone else. It's a one-night love story ending in a promise unlikely to be kept, and it leaves you jealous that the story's not your own.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I get really frustrated when people don't say what they mean. It shouldn't be so hard for people to just be upfront about what they want, but, as a writer, I understand the need to be creative through word use. A lot of the time I'll re-write a sentence thinking "well, this is to the point...but it could sound so much more EXOTIC and EXCITING! I MUST EMBELLISH THE TRUTH!" But there's a fine line between embellishment and lying, so it might be best to just refrain from saying what you don't mean.

Hold My Hand

Jill was an extremely independent person by nature, and asking anyone for help was always her last resort. When she came to me asking for support, I didn't hesitate to say yes, and, even though I still don't quite understand why she was so scared to go through with it, I was there for her when she felt she needed someone. In all honesty, I feel slightly honoured that I was the one she chose to see her at her most helpless.

Chivalry: Justice

Justice is the second of Scott Farrell's seven knightly virtues; it's also extremely important in regards to the social systems of today. I imagine that the laws of yesteryear were perhaps more greatly defined than those of today, as the rise of free-speech has blurred the line between what is right and what is opinion, but a strong sense of justice can be extremely attractive in a potential mate.

She Doesn't Know I Exist

I didn't have a lot of mojo in high school, which I know must come as a shock to all of my readers, but there were certainly a lot of girls that I wish would have noticed me. While I had strong friendships with a lot of my crushes, there was one girl in particular that I never had the courage to speak to, and I'm pretty sure that, if she had passed me on the street in high school, she wouldn't have recognized me as one of her peers.

The All-Nighter

In high school, the summertime was a wealth of parties for my friends to go to. Actually, any time was a good time for a party, but there were more of them in the summer. What made the summer parties better than any of the others is that it would always be so warm outside that we could pretty much crash anywhere, whether it was the middle of our friend's kitchen floor, or the middle of an empty field. This particular party was great for a different reason.

Rule 02: Don't Get Sleezy

'De Amore,' a 12th-century French novella written by Andreas Capellanus lists twelve rules to follow in love. The second rule, 'Thou shalt keep thyself chaste for the sake of her whom thou lovest,' basically means that you should keep from getting so freaky in the bedroom that you alienate your partner. Also, don't whore yourself out around town behind her back, because that's pretty douchey and a betrayal of trust. Actually, at the time it might have meant to stay a virgin until you'd found the woman you love, and while that's still good advice today, I don't expect anyone to listen to it.

I Destroy Happiness

Sometimes I let myself get talked into things that I'm really not interested in doing, but never by a man. I guess it's possible that I just don't have any guy-friends that want to spend time with me, or, even less likely, that I'm just such hot-stuff that all the ladies want to get some face-time, but...women can just manipulate me any way they please. And then there are times that I'm actually able to say no to a woman that's asking me for something. This is one of the times that I said no, and then changed my mind to suit, not a matter of the heart, but a game of spite.

Snowed Out

In my grade eleven year, there was a surprise snow storm in the middle of February, and not one of us was prepared for it. The morning had started out cold, and it looked as though it were about to rain, but there was no sign of snow. By the time our classes started that morning, the snow had started, and it didn't let up until later that night. Naturally, the school bus drivers spent the day preparing themselves to get to the schools in the afternoon to drive the students home...all of the drivers except for ours.

Unsolicited Advice 2

Trolling through the dating section of Yahoo!Answers, I've compiled a few questions in need of attention that I think I might try my hand at answering. Granted, my advice is likely to be horrible, but I think it's unlikely that the authors of these questions will read this blog anyway. And if they do, and happen to take my advice...they are more than welcome to pen a guest entry to let me know just how horribly I screwed them over.

More Opportunities Missed

I like the feeling of being pursued. It makes me feel pretty. It doesn't happen very often...almost never, in fact, so when it does, it's aces for my self-confidence. Betsy was pretty good at making me feel wanted in someone's life, unfortunately, our paths often failed to cross and instead veered only narrowly close to collision. That is to say, every time either of us tried to see one another, it was doomed to scheduling failure.

Monkey-Business

Way back when I had first started university (community college) I was in a bit of a funk. I didn't have too many friends, there weren't too many people going to my school that I knew, and I knew pretty much no one in my actual classes. So when I finally managed to win the attention of one of the women in my class, it was an...exciting moment. What made it even better is that there was no effort required on my part to catch her eye, a feat yet to be repeated.

Valentine's Day

_*½

Valentine's Day in Los Angeles as told through a series of intertwining vignettes featuring a star-studded cast far beyond the director's ability to handle. The viewer will witness a series of break-ups and make-ups involving a slew of characters that, due to their sheer volume, will never get any sort of meaningful development.

Celebrating VD

Every year my friend Rachel would set up some sort of gathering so that we would all come together and celebrate Valentine's Day. I think that it started out as an anti-Valentine's dinner, for those of us that were single, but, as the years drew on, everyone started coupling up, and the 'anti' was dropped from the title. As the couples grew ever-more gropey, I decided that it would be best to shorten the title to VD, as it seemed apt. And then those damn scientists went and changed the D to an I, so it doesn't make sense anymore, but, at the time, there was still VD. This has gone off on a tangent, hasn't it?

The Walkabout

As I've proven time and time again, I have great difficulty in disengaging from various unpleasant situations. It doesn't matter if it's with someone that I know well or an acquaintance that I've just made, there will always come a time that I need to get out of a conversation for my own sanity, and simply find myself unable for a myriad of reasons. I think that, what makes this phenomenon even worse, is when you can see the awkwardness coming at you in the form of someone that you dislike, and you know that you're going to have to get away as quickly as possible, but still manage to let yourself get caught in your enemy's sights.

Chivalry: Mercy

Of the seven knightly virtues, according to Scott Farrell, mercy is the third, though I'm not sure that they're written in any particular order. Farrell took the common themes found in descriptions of knightly virtues to come up with the concept of what chivalry would have meant back in the day of knights in shining armour and how it could be applied to the modern man of today.

Bumbly-Wumbly

Growing up, my family always had pets, whether they were cats, of which we had seven that I can remember, dogs, of which we had two, or fish, all of which I apparently killed. But there was a period of years, between our first dog and our second, during which my father was quite insistent that we not have a dog. This didn't sit well with my sister, because having a dog was basically the only thing that she wanted out of childhood.

Still Doing it Wrong

The last time that Ophelia tried to set up a double-dating situation with dreams of she and I falling for one another, it didn't really pan out in my favour. This was a few years after the fact, and, this time, it was me that was setting things up between us. But, considering who I am...it should have been obvious that the past would somehow repeat itself.

Rule 01: Don't Get Greedy

According to Andreas Capellanus, the 12th-century French author of 'De Amore,' there are twelve chief rules to courtly love. The somewhat cynical tone to Capellanus's work suggests that his work be taken with a grain of salt, but there is also a good deal of valid information to be gained from reading his ideas. The first chief rule of courtly love is as follows: thou shalt avoid avarice like the deadly pestilence and shalt embrace its opposite. In layman's terms: it's better to give than to receive.

Oblivious as Ever

I've never been good at recognizing when someone is interested in me, and even when they're openly flirting, and everyone else can tell that I'm being hit on, I remain as oblivious as ever. When there's already a foundation of friendship to the relationship, it becomes even more difficult for me notice that anyone's interested in me, because we'll generally have a fairly flirty way of conducting ourselves around each other anyway, so...these chicks really need to just come out and say it already.

The Woman of Legend

I am likely never to forget the elderly woman who tried to hug-rape me. It remains still a very vivid memory, but, at the time, I held out hope that it would fade into the back of my mind and eventually just fizzle away into nothing. It wasn't long after the initial incident that I realized that forgetting Amelia just...wasn't in the cards for me. Or for anyone else who's path she would cross.

Guest: It was Complicated

I entered into an open relationship when I was fourteen, and it was pretty much doomed from the beginning. In all honestly, I think it would be a terribly difficult thing to do even for some well-seasoned adults, let alone, tweens entering their first relationships ever. I was never privy to the exact workings of how the concept was formulated, I only recall being informed that there it was.

...Just Don't Embarass Me

Through the years I've grown accustomed to people not wanting to be seen with me, around me, near me, or just in proximity of me. Sometimes this attitude appears in people that I know well and like, which is far more unfortunate than when it presents itself in strange women that I care nothing for. But this story is about a day spent at Playland among a group of girls that I didn't know very well, and one that I did. Considering our past, I probably should have had a better idea of what I was getting into.

Do I Truth or Do I Dare?

There are times in life when you just have to psych yourself up and find the courage to tell a girl that you like her. Then there are other times, if you're like me, that you're willing to just throw your pride under a bus in order to avoid having your heart crushed. Why my parents ever let me out of my cage I will never know.

Dummy

Steven Schoichet (Adrien Brody) is, possibly, even more socially-retarded than I am, and the only way he manages to overcome his anxiety is by living vicariously through...his ventriloquist dummy. Steven falls head-over-heels in love with Lorena Fanchetti (Vera Farmiga), but finds himself only able to interact with her through his nameless dummy.

Anything For a Blonde

I have proven myself to be a very obstinate person, to the point that, even after someone's convinced me that I'm wrong or that I should participate in whatever they've been trying to get me into, I will continue on with my refusal out of my sheer unwillingness to admit that I might not have been completely right. But now matter how pig-headed I can be, there's always one thing that's able to break through my idiocy and make me give in: a magnificent mane of blonde hair.

The Angel of Death

When I first met Angela, she spoke only in nonsense words, and I think that I might have been better off if things had just stayed that way. Instead, I helped her break out of her shell and begin to talk in human-speak, which lead to me seeing just how incredibly negative someone could be. When I pick up my phone and say "hello?" the correct response is not "MY HAMSTER DIED."

To-Do: Learn to Listen

Listening isn't all about having the other person talk constantly while you nod along, that's very passive and not incredibly enjoyable for either party. On a date one should be actively listening, which involves giving feedback on what's being said to you and participating in the conversation. If you just let your date babble on incessantly while you bobble your head like an idiot, then they won't be answering the phone when you call; they can talk to dead air without your help.

Comic Book Store Domesticity

Though it felt like I worked at the comic book store for many years, in actuality I was only there for eleven months. Those eleven months were the most eye-opening days of my life, where I learned to deal with a terrible boss, a terrible wage, and a complete lack of both employment benefits and social interaction. Every so often a woman would wander into the store, though it was usually at the behest of their nerdy boyfriends. And then I got a surprise.

Double-Dating: Doing it Wrong

When you date as many insane women as I do, you develop an ability to recognize the moment within your relationship that you realize she's a crazy person. Part of what makes my life so violently interesting is that I tend to continue dating these people long after I've noticed how bonkers they truly are. No one was quite as crazy as Ophelia, not even the girl responsible for the seagull incident.

To-Don't: Remind Me Of...

When you're out with someone, even if it's just as a friend, you should never tell them that they remind you of someone else. This sets a certain expectation, as now they will be wondering in what ways they are like said other person, and also wonder how you really feel about the person that they remind you of. It works to make people really self-conscious, and it's unlikely that they'll be able to fully relax and be themselves after that.

I Can See Why She Hates Me

As I'm sure you all remember, Amber really, really disliked me as a person. But this takes place before she learned to hate me so violently, back to the day that she and I met. It was a lovely late-winter afternoon, and she and I were both attending the birthday party of our mutual friend Jill. It involved skating, a game of tag, and a misuse of crutches.

The Pity Friend

Elementary school was a strange mixture of popularity for me, as I was never really considered one of the cool group, but I had a lot of friends for a good long while. It was around the third grade that a lot of people started to shun me, but I never really cared that much until grade four, when Isabelle, one of my closest friends and first crushes, would end up ditching me.

Unsolicited Advice

Trolling through the dating section of Yahoo!Answers, I've compiled a few questions in need of attention that I think I might try my hand at answering. Granted, my advice is likely to be horrible, but I think it's unlikely that the authors of these questions will read this blog anyway. And if they do, and happen to take my advice...they are more than welcome to pen a guest entry to let me know just how horribly I screwed them over.

Moving on...Together

Sometimes when people are talking to me, and it strikes me as idle chatter, I start to agree with them in a way that leads them to think that I'm totally into their ideas. This often gets me into trouble, because when someone thinks that I'm backing their idea, they try to get me in on whatever scheme they've got going. I probably shouldn't be allowed to say words.

Effortless

I think there's something severely wrong with me, and I'm sure that most of my readers would agree. The reason that I think this is that, when I'm really interested in a woman, I tend to screw things up by getting too comfortable too fast and giving the appearance of a lack of effort. Then there are the times that I'm totally not into a woman and I end up somehow exuding so much more effort than I should for a reason that I haven't yet figured out.

Can't Buy Me Love

Ronald Miller (Patrick Dempsey) is a high school nerd who manages to convince Cindy Mancini (Amanda Peterson) to prostitute herself to him for a month, but never once manages to get laid out of the situation. Someone's doing it wrong.

Awkward Leading the Awkward

I have a tendency to attract strange women, angry women, and insane women, but it's not often that the woman I've attracted is a mixture of all three with a large dose of negativity added into the mix. If you've ever seen Debbie Downer, a Saturday Night Live character performed by Rachel Dratch, then you've got a vague idea of what Angela was like, but to get the full picture, you would need to mate Debbie Downer with Freddie Krueger. With that mixture, you've got half the crazy that Angela turned out to be.

I Think I Should Like You

When I was going through elementary school, my classmates were composed of the same group of kids from preschool through the ninth grade. And when some of the boys started developing earlier than others, in a hormonal sense rather than a physical one, it became clear to me that I would have to either go along with the crowd to avoid being ostracized, or just be myself. Even at such a young age, I knew that being myself would get me nowhere, so I tried my best to act like everyone else.

To-Do: Femergency Kit

Sometimes, especially in the earlier days of your relationship, your girlfriend will forget some of the 'necessities' when she spends the night. Personally, I like to be prepared for any eventuality, and, based on the presumption that she will, one day, find herself crashing with you overnight, I like to make sure that she finds herself missing nothing. And if it's really the thought that counts, then this one should get you quite a few points.

This is Why I'm Single

There are some days that I get kind of lonely, and I wonder why I can't get myself together enough to earn the love and respect of a woman. Then there are the days that I'm just so horribly wrong in every way that I realize I'm alone for a myriad of reasons, all of which are my own doing. This is the story of when my friend Jess helped me to realize that I was a terrible, terrible date, and I should probably come to terms with the fact that I will die alone.

Getting the Go-Ahead

As you should all know by now, I'm very socially awkward, so it's always astonishing to me when I meet someone that's even more incapable of social interaction than I am. I'm not sure if it's me that feels an unconscious need to befriend these kindred spirits, or if it's them who recognize their own failings in me, but I inevitably end up being drawn into their social circle, often times against my own will.

To-Don't: Be Rude to Staff

There's a good possibility that this bothers me because I've worked in retail for a span of six years, or maybe it's the hardships of my two shifts in the food service that still haunt me, but, really...be kind to the people serving you. Seriously.