When you date as many insane women as I do, you develop an ability to recognize the moment within your relationship that you realize she's a crazy person. Part of what makes my life so violently interesting is that I tend to continue dating these people long after I've noticed how bonkers they truly are. No one was quite as crazy as Ophelia, not even the girl responsible for the seagull incident.
I had met Ophelia at school, and we had grown to be very good friends. Getting to and from school included a forty-minute bus ride, and she and I started sitting together each way. It wasn't long before people started telling me that she was interested, and I, being the oblivious type, thought that they were full of it.
She and I would have a lot of flirtation before finally realizing that we were both interested in one another, but, when the day came that Ophelia decided to take charge and plan something to get our relationship off the ground...it kind of misfired.
Ophelia was the paranoid kind, which probably means she was perfect for me, but her paranoia was of a far more crazy variety than my own. Because she was so nervous that something would go wrong in our night together, she invited Britney and Jason into the mix, in hopes that it would feel more like a double date, and the pressure would be off of us a little bit. I'm not completely convinced that she wasn't hoping it would turn into an orgy.
The four of us met up after school and walked to Ophelia's apartment together to drop off our things. It was at this point that Britney called her boyfriend to see if he would buy us some alcohol, as we were underage. He gleefully agreed, thinking that he would get to hang out with Britney that night, but she deterred him by saying that it was going to be a girl's night with just Ophelia and he would be crashing the party. In actuality, Britney was planning on breaking up with her boyfriend soon enough so that she could date Jason.
Once we had our booze, we made dinner for ourselves, which I imagine was built up in Ophelia's head to be some fancy affair, but we were just eating spaghetti while sitting on the floor of her apartment. Because we're classy like that.
We were only partway through the dinner before Ophelia was drunk off her ass, which was really just a glimpse into my future, and she started singing along to something that came on the radio. When I say that she was singing along to it, I mean that she got up on the coffee table, started dancing spastically as though she were using a hula-hoop, sang the chorus of the song that was playing and continued into the lyrics of a different song while the first song continued on the radio, then tried to whip her hair, lost her balance, and crashed into a bookshelf that was home to a small fish bowl. The fish bowl teetered off the edge of the shelf and dove toward the floor, being saved only by Jason lunging forward to catch it.
While most people would have thanked Jason for catching her beloved fish, Ophelia chose to kick him in the face. In her defense, she "thought [he] was trying to see up [her] skirt." She was wearing jeans.
Jason's nose started to bleed and, being the gracious hostess that she was, Ophelia took him to the bathroom to help him clean himself up and apologise repeatedly. Britney turned to me and joked "your date is stupid," to which I replied "yours has a broken face."
I asked Britney when she first grew interested in Jason, and she told me that there had always been an attraction between the two of them, but they weren't able to get the timing quite right. I would have pointed out that, since Britney still had a boyfriend at that moment, the timing was still not fantastic, but I really didn't want to get kicked in the face. Britney asked where Ophelia and I would be sleeping, as she and Jason would take the other room, but I think the question was, while partly to cover up the awkward silence that was looming over us, mostly just to get onto the subject of sex.
Not really sure that I was willing to jump into that situation with Ophelia on the first date, especially an unofficial one, I said that I "[wasn't] quite there yet," but Britney just told me not to be nervous, and asked if I had any condoms. I told her that, since I hadn't been planning on having sex on this date, I didn't go out and buy any.
"Don't worry about it!" Britney screamed, digging into her purse and pulling out a handful. "What size do you think you need?"
There are few times in my life where I find myself utterly speechless, but this was certainly one of them. "HOW'S IT GOING IN THERE?" I screamed, having noticed that both of our dates had been out of the room for a long while. "That's a good question," Britney muttered, standing up and wandering over to the bathroom.
It should probably be pointed out that Jason really had no idea that Britney was planning on sleeping with him, and he most certainly didn't know that she was going to break up with her boyfriend. So neither of us should have been all that surprised when we peeked through the bathroom door to see the two of them making out. Shocked, Britney and I decided to take a walk and sober up a little bit, assuming that, even though neither of us were as drunk as the other two, that we would still be far too quick to anger to deal with that situation in a relatively calm manner.
We spent the rest of the night complaining about our situation, about certain people that we knew from school, and basically just had a night filled with very negative emotions.
Jason and Ophelia started dating the following week.
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