01. WHY IS HE OVER-REACTING? - Ariel
"I asked my boyfriend of a few weeks if he's ever kissed a girl before me, and he said no. He's 19, and I'm his first kiss! I told my best friend, and she told a lot of people at school, and now he's got a reputation across campus for being a virgin. Everybody's making fun of him, even the freshmen.
"I laughed at him and called him a loser, jokingly, of course, and I thought he would see how funny all of this is if I made light of it. He didn't laugh, and doesn't seem willing to share anything with me anymore. What should I do?"
Ariel,
That's what we in the business call a "douche-move." In every romantic relationship there's a line that must be drawn for what's appropriate to share, and what should be kept discreet. Clearly, said line hasn't quite been found in your blossoming relationship yet.
If your boyfriend tells you something in confidence, there's an unspoken agreement that you won't go and repeat that to everyone you know. If he had wanted your best friend to know about who he has and hasn't kissed, he would have told her. This situation in particular might appear greater than it is due to the brief length of your relationship; the two of you haven't had the time to build up trust, and a breach of trust so early on is likely to sink the ship before it's left the dock. Teasing him about this now, you're likely to hurt his feelings. If you had held onto this information for a few years, and told it amongst mutual friends farther down the line, when your relationship was far more stable, it probably wouldn't have bothered him, and he would have been able to laugh it off.
As for now, there's only so much apologising you can do. I'm not saying it's too late to salvage your new love, but maybe you should give up an embarrassing story about yourself, an eye for an eye, just to rebuild some of that trust. Also: don't share his private information with outsiders, as he'll build up an arsenal of resentment towards you.
02. WHY IS SHE IGNORING ME? - Brandon
"I'm fifteen years old and I have a crush on my friend; we hang out together all the time and I started seeing myself falling in love with her, but kept my feelings to myself. Recently, she had fallen for this guy, and even though I was really jealous of her feelings for him, I gave her some advice. In the end, she got rejected and was very sad; I helped her get over it, told her to move on, and a few days later she felt better.
"After a few weeks, I finally decided to express my feelings to her. I put my heart and soul into telling her that I LOVED HER and told her she was beautiful, even though she thinks she's fat. She ended up rejecting me, and I understood, and asked if we could still be friends. She said yes, but now when I try to talk to her at school she completely ignores me like I don't exist.
"I didn't think my liking her would affect our friendship, but now she's not talking to me anymore and pushing me away. I don't know what to do. Why did this happen? Did I do anything wrong?"
Brandon,
It kind of sounds to me like she's just embarrassed about the situation right now. There are a lot of ways that this can go wrong, and very few that can mend it, so here are two things not to do, followed by what I think you actually should:
Part of why she might be feeling so uncomfortable around you is that she's still feeling quite vulnerable about getting rejected by the other guy, and she might even blame you a little assuming that you purposely gave her bad advice so that she could fall back into your arms. Don't push your feelings at her, as she might feel like she just lost the chance at love with the other guy, and now feels like she's lost her friend as well.
Don't ignore the situation entirely; nothing will get resolved if the two of you just pretend there's no problem. Ignoring everything will just make things even more awkward between the two of you, and your interactions will then be less genuine because you'll both be so focused on the elephant in the room.
What I want you to do is speak to her; don't corner her in school when she's in her group of friends, just call her and ask if you two can talk it out on your own time. Tell her that you understand that she can't love you the way that you love her, but your friendship is far too important to lose. If she knows that you would prefer to have her in your life as a friend rather than not at all, she's likely to come around. Someday she might even come to love you the way you love her, but you need to be a friend first.
03. TOO FAST TO MOVE ON? - Candace
"My first boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago after a nine month relationship. About a week ago, this other guy that I've known for a few years kind of started talking with me, and I've developed an interest in him.
"The problem is, I don't know if it's slutty that I'm interested in a guy so soon after a break up. Would it be wrong if I were to flirt with him? Would it be wrong if I were to develop a crush, or to even date him? How do I know it's not a rebound thing?
"I know I don't have feelings for my ex anymore, but I really don't want to have a rebound relationship, either. Is it wrong to move on so fast?"
Candace,
This might be my own personal opinion, but I don't think there's any designated mourning period for the one that's been broken up with. There should, for the heart-breaker, be a grace period wherein he doesn't date around out of respect for the woman he's just left, but for you, the sky's the limit.
If you don't have any lingering feelings for your ex, then your next relationship isn't likely to be a rebound. The rebound relationship usually occurs when you're so overwhelmed with despair that you just need the company and attention of someone interested in you, but it doesn't sound like that's your problem.
If you're really worried about it, then just talk it out with the new guy. Let him know you want to take things slow, he might appreciate that you're so worried about hurting him. If he's not willing to wait for you to be ready, then it's likely he's just in it for the sex.
No comments:
Post a Comment