To-Don't: Remind Me Of...

When you're out with someone, even if it's just as a friend, you should never tell them that they remind you of someone else. This sets a certain expectation, as now they will be wondering in what ways they are like said other person, and also wonder how you really feel about the person that they remind you of. It works to make people really self-conscious, and it's unlikely that they'll be able to fully relax and be themselves after that.

I once had a friend who would constantly compare me other people that we knew, so much so that she would interrupt whatever I was saying in order to let me know that it sounded like something that whoever else might be saying. It's possible that what bothered me was being interrupted, but it's far more likely that I was just getting tired of being told I was so much like someone else.

When you're constantly being compared to someone else, whether you know them or not, it makes you feel like the person comparing you doesn't really value you as an individual. You'll be left wondering if they're constantly thinking of someone else whenever you're talking, or if you're reminding them of a really good time that they had had with someone else. It's really not fair to either party in the relationship if one of you is constantly second-guessing your behaviour in an effort to be less like the people that you share common ground with.

Now, the obvious solution to this problem would be to inform your friend that they are making you feel undervalued as a person. And that's what I did, but, in doing so, Anika told me that I was being ridiculous, and that she was just amazed at how similar two of her friends could be. Personally, I was not that amazed, seeing as how, since we were all in the same group of friends, it would make sense that a lot of us shared common traits and interests with one another, and that, eventually, we would start to rub off on each other and earn a large number of learned traits.

I think that one might cause less friction in their relationships if they just kept these kind of observations to themselves unless they come naturally into the conversation. Had we been talking about one of the people that Anika had been comparing me to, and she pointed out some of the things we had in common, I don't think that I would have been bothered. It's the fact that her mind was clearly wandering while we were talking that gets to me, because then I'm left to wonder if she had really been listening to anything I had been saying or, worse, if she was spending all of our time together thinking about how she would much rather be hanging out with someone else.

Many of my conversations with Anika would come to a stop because she would express so much surprise over how similar my thoughts were to someone else that she would overtake the conversation to make it all about the other person. If I really wanted to talk about those people, I would talk to them.

That being said, you also shouldn't be pointing out the personality tics of your dates, anyway. It's going to make them more conscious of every instance they do it, and they might even start apologising whenever it happens. This ruins the dynamic, and makes people nervous when they're around you. If people aren't comfortable being around you, then you're relationship's not going to last, because they're going to start seeking out people that don't constantly belittle their sense of self.

If you value your relationship, romantic or otherwise, then I beseech that you focus your conversation on those that are present and not those that are unrelated to your situation.