...Just Don't Embarass Me

Through the years I've grown accustomed to people not wanting to be seen with me, around me, near me, or just in proximity of me. Sometimes this attitude appears in people that I know well and like, which is far more unfortunate than when it presents itself in strange women that I care nothing for. But this story is about a day spent at Playland among a group of girls that I didn't know very well, and one that I did. Considering our past, I probably should have had a better idea of what I was getting into.

Do I Truth or Do I Dare?

There are times in life when you just have to psych yourself up and find the courage to tell a girl that you like her. Then there are other times, if you're like me, that you're willing to just throw your pride under a bus in order to avoid having your heart crushed. Why my parents ever let me out of my cage I will never know.

Dummy

Steven Schoichet (Adrien Brody) is, possibly, even more socially-retarded than I am, and the only way he manages to overcome his anxiety is by living vicariously through...his ventriloquist dummy. Steven falls head-over-heels in love with Lorena Fanchetti (Vera Farmiga), but finds himself only able to interact with her through his nameless dummy.

Anything For a Blonde

I have proven myself to be a very obstinate person, to the point that, even after someone's convinced me that I'm wrong or that I should participate in whatever they've been trying to get me into, I will continue on with my refusal out of my sheer unwillingness to admit that I might not have been completely right. But now matter how pig-headed I can be, there's always one thing that's able to break through my idiocy and make me give in: a magnificent mane of blonde hair.

The Angel of Death

When I first met Angela, she spoke only in nonsense words, and I think that I might have been better off if things had just stayed that way. Instead, I helped her break out of her shell and begin to talk in human-speak, which lead to me seeing just how incredibly negative someone could be. When I pick up my phone and say "hello?" the correct response is not "MY HAMSTER DIED."

To-Do: Learn to Listen

Listening isn't all about having the other person talk constantly while you nod along, that's very passive and not incredibly enjoyable for either party. On a date one should be actively listening, which involves giving feedback on what's being said to you and participating in the conversation. If you just let your date babble on incessantly while you bobble your head like an idiot, then they won't be answering the phone when you call; they can talk to dead air without your help.

Comic Book Store Domesticity

Though it felt like I worked at the comic book store for many years, in actuality I was only there for eleven months. Those eleven months were the most eye-opening days of my life, where I learned to deal with a terrible boss, a terrible wage, and a complete lack of both employment benefits and social interaction. Every so often a woman would wander into the store, though it was usually at the behest of their nerdy boyfriends. And then I got a surprise.

Double-Dating: Doing it Wrong

When you date as many insane women as I do, you develop an ability to recognize the moment within your relationship that you realize she's a crazy person. Part of what makes my life so violently interesting is that I tend to continue dating these people long after I've noticed how bonkers they truly are. No one was quite as crazy as Ophelia, not even the girl responsible for the seagull incident.

To-Don't: Remind Me Of...

When you're out with someone, even if it's just as a friend, you should never tell them that they remind you of someone else. This sets a certain expectation, as now they will be wondering in what ways they are like said other person, and also wonder how you really feel about the person that they remind you of. It works to make people really self-conscious, and it's unlikely that they'll be able to fully relax and be themselves after that.

I Can See Why She Hates Me

As I'm sure you all remember, Amber really, really disliked me as a person. But this takes place before she learned to hate me so violently, back to the day that she and I met. It was a lovely late-winter afternoon, and she and I were both attending the birthday party of our mutual friend Jill. It involved skating, a game of tag, and a misuse of crutches.

The Pity Friend

Elementary school was a strange mixture of popularity for me, as I was never really considered one of the cool group, but I had a lot of friends for a good long while. It was around the third grade that a lot of people started to shun me, but I never really cared that much until grade four, when Isabelle, one of my closest friends and first crushes, would end up ditching me.

Unsolicited Advice

Trolling through the dating section of Yahoo!Answers, I've compiled a few questions in need of attention that I think I might try my hand at answering. Granted, my advice is likely to be horrible, but I think it's unlikely that the authors of these questions will read this blog anyway. And if they do, and happen to take my advice...they are more than welcome to pen a guest entry to let me know just how horribly I screwed them over.

Moving on...Together

Sometimes when people are talking to me, and it strikes me as idle chatter, I start to agree with them in a way that leads them to think that I'm totally into their ideas. This often gets me into trouble, because when someone thinks that I'm backing their idea, they try to get me in on whatever scheme they've got going. I probably shouldn't be allowed to say words.

Effortless

I think there's something severely wrong with me, and I'm sure that most of my readers would agree. The reason that I think this is that, when I'm really interested in a woman, I tend to screw things up by getting too comfortable too fast and giving the appearance of a lack of effort. Then there are the times that I'm totally not into a woman and I end up somehow exuding so much more effort than I should for a reason that I haven't yet figured out.

Can't Buy Me Love

Ronald Miller (Patrick Dempsey) is a high school nerd who manages to convince Cindy Mancini (Amanda Peterson) to prostitute herself to him for a month, but never once manages to get laid out of the situation. Someone's doing it wrong.

Awkward Leading the Awkward

I have a tendency to attract strange women, angry women, and insane women, but it's not often that the woman I've attracted is a mixture of all three with a large dose of negativity added into the mix. If you've ever seen Debbie Downer, a Saturday Night Live character performed by Rachel Dratch, then you've got a vague idea of what Angela was like, but to get the full picture, you would need to mate Debbie Downer with Freddie Krueger. With that mixture, you've got half the crazy that Angela turned out to be.

I Think I Should Like You

When I was going through elementary school, my classmates were composed of the same group of kids from preschool through the ninth grade. And when some of the boys started developing earlier than others, in a hormonal sense rather than a physical one, it became clear to me that I would have to either go along with the crowd to avoid being ostracized, or just be myself. Even at such a young age, I knew that being myself would get me nowhere, so I tried my best to act like everyone else.

To-Do: Femergency Kit

Sometimes, especially in the earlier days of your relationship, your girlfriend will forget some of the 'necessities' when she spends the night. Personally, I like to be prepared for any eventuality, and, based on the presumption that she will, one day, find herself crashing with you overnight, I like to make sure that she finds herself missing nothing. And if it's really the thought that counts, then this one should get you quite a few points.

This is Why I'm Single

There are some days that I get kind of lonely, and I wonder why I can't get myself together enough to earn the love and respect of a woman. Then there are the days that I'm just so horribly wrong in every way that I realize I'm alone for a myriad of reasons, all of which are my own doing. This is the story of when my friend Jess helped me to realize that I was a terrible, terrible date, and I should probably come to terms with the fact that I will die alone.

Getting the Go-Ahead

As you should all know by now, I'm very socially awkward, so it's always astonishing to me when I meet someone that's even more incapable of social interaction than I am. I'm not sure if it's me that feels an unconscious need to befriend these kindred spirits, or if it's them who recognize their own failings in me, but I inevitably end up being drawn into their social circle, often times against my own will.

To-Don't: Be Rude to Staff

There's a good possibility that this bothers me because I've worked in retail for a span of six years, or maybe it's the hardships of my two shifts in the food service that still haunt me, but, really...be kind to the people serving you. Seriously.