Pre-Emptive Strike

I find that, a lot of the time, I'm unconsciously flirting with people. Whether they're my friend, or my waitress, odds are I'm just being a little bit playful with them. In high school, this seemed to confuse a lot of people. It would either make them think that I was really into them when I wasn't, and it would often make observers think that I was dating someone that I wasn't. It would sometimes make it difficult when I was actually trying to flirt, because it had become so expected that people would think I was just playing.

In the last years of high school I became close friends with Leah. She and I didn't always see eye-to-eye, and we bickered a lot, but we laughed more often than not.

Since we had many of the same classes, we usually took our study time together and could be found in the same areas of the school. Apparently, when people that we knew by name, but weren't really close friends with, would see us together, laughing or bickering, they would take our playful flirtations seriously and think that we were dating.

Now, it's not that I didn't like Leah, it's just that I wasn't attracted to her in any way. Now, I would never say this to her, because she was a really nice person and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I just felt that it was sort of implied. I also assumed that it was implied that she, too, was very unattracted to me, which made our flirtatious interactions all the more harmless, since neither of us were interested in moving the relationship beyond friendship.

One day, Leah and I were sitting in one of the study rooms, flipping through a magazine and laughing about something. I guess we looked extra flirtatious that day, because one of Leah's friends came up to the table and leaned in to ask Leah something private.

I couldn't hear what her friend was asking her, but Leah leaned away saying "...whaaaaat?" and sort of laughing to herself. The friend then looked at me and said "...sorry, I thought you two were dating, you make a really cute couple." I just laughed and brushed it off, it didn't seem that important to me. Leah thought it would be appropriate to scrunch up her face in disgust and say "oh! EW! No! Him? No! Ew!" which was really nice to hear.

Now, it's not that I wanted her to find me attractive, because I couldn't really care less whether she did or didn't, but the fact that she had such a volatile reaction to the thought of being romantically entangled with me was really insulting. It's not like she was really out of my league, I would, in fact, argue that we were on par with one another.

For her to react in that way was kind of like telling me that I shouldn't bother with whatever attraction I may have toward her, which was none, because I would never have a chance with her, which she didn't with me anyway.

After apologising to Leah for the mistake (which was yet another insult to me) her friend left, and Leah turned to me shaking her head. She then asked "what [had we been] talking about?" as though she hadn't greatly insulted her close friend moments before. I know it would be awkward to apologize for something like that, but it would have been nice to have a simple "sorry," or even if she had lied and said she scrunched up her face, not out of disgust, but out of confusion because she just couldn't see us as a couple.

Instead she said nothing to me about the situation, and I never confronted her about how she had destroyed my self-esteem. This certainly didn't destroy our friendship or anything of that magnitude, but it did give me something to complain about to other people for the next little while.

This was, apparently, not to be an isolated incident. In the three years that I was friends with Leah, this would happen at least once annually. It would grow more insulting with every incident, and I still just can't understand how she could justify having that reaction in front of me. If she were to react that way when I wasn't there, that would have been fine. But when you're in the company of the person that you're refusing to date based on who they are, you should try to be a little less horrible about it.

If this situation taught me anything it was to not insult your friends by implying that they're disgusting to look at, because you will crush their self-worth and make them somewhat bitter toward you.

So, if anyone ever asks you whether or not you're dating one of your close friends, your reply should be something along the lines of "no, we're just friends," and not "HOW DARE YOU?! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" And even though it may sound like a non-insulting thing to say at the time, "no, we don't think about each other in that way" is actually very insulting, because what you're actually saying is that your friend isn't a sexual being and it's demeaning. See also: referring to one of your male friends as 'like a brother.' Never okay, ladies. Never okay.