To-Do: Look Less Homeless

Let's be honest, when you're preparing yourself for a night out, especially when you're meeting someone special, you want to look your best. And, being even more honest, you want your date to look their best. But something that I've noticed in my day to day life is that...well, a lot of the time, us dudes just aren't putting in as much effort as our women might like. There are certain things that I never used to put much thought into, but, since working in the health and beauty section of a department store, with a close partnership to the cosmetics department, I've picked up a few things.

First, take a damn shower. I know that most of you already know to do this, but it can't be said enough. I know all y'all claim to already wash behind your ears, but I know you're lying, so just drag a damp cloth up behind the ears, it'll take you two seconds.

Also, wash your face. No, seriously, wash your damn face. Use soap, or, better yet, a cleanser. Don't just wet your face down with water and claim that you've washed your face, because you haven't. You've only managed to soak your greasy visage and make yourself look even sweatier than you normally do. Wash your face, your date will appreciate it. If you're extremely determined to not wash your face properly, please use one of those anti-acne pads to burn the dead skin off of your face, because when you're walking around town with your face flaking off, it's not attractive in the least.

Eye drops designed to take the red out will help you look like less of an insomniac, or drug addict, and since you're focusing on your eyes anyway you should probably make sure you don't have any of that crusty gunk in the corners.

Shave your face, groom your facial hair, do anything you can to make sure you don't look homeless. I personally would be unable to rock a unibrow, so you might want to deal with that however you please, but maybe you're one of the fortunate few that can sport the synophrys without looking like a werewolf. Or maybe that's what you're going for.

Clean the wax out of your ears. Not only will you be a little less disgusting whenever you turn your profile toward your date, but you'll also be able to hear her better (which, coincidentally, will cause you to turn your profile toward her far less).

Trim your nose hair. It shouldn't have to be said. And if you want to go that extra mile to avoid covering your date in your snot, you could use one of the many devices available for nasal irrigation. Clear out your sinuses, boys, and just hope that you don't find yourself allergic to her perfume.

Brush your teeth and scrape your tongue. If you have yellow teeth, there's really nothing you can do about that in the moment, but no one wants their company to have that white film covering their tongue. The tongue should be pink. At all times.

When you're wearing cologne, use it sparingly. You don't want to be so slathered in it that you suffocate your date in the car. You should be wearing just enough that she only notices it as soon as she's close to you, because then she'll want to stay close to you. If you use scented aftershave as well, you should make sure that it's from the same company. One of the tricks that those companies use is that they craft all of their scents to layer over each other in a complimentary manner that you may not be able to achieve when you mix and match with other brands.

That becomes an issue when it comes to anti-perspirant. I know, you're supposed to use deodorant instead of anti-perspirant, but I don't like to be sweaty, and I'm just willing to risk the aluminum slowly killing me.

Cut your nails. The only reason you should have long nails is if you need them to play an instrument, such as the guitar. If that's the case, then you need to clean under your nails. Imagine if your date cooked you some pastry and, as she's handing it to you, you notice a heap of black gunk oozing from under her nails. Yeah. You don't want to eat her baking anymore, do you?

You should also be drinking a lot of water to stay hydrated. No one likes a...I'm not sure how to end this sentence, so just insert your own joke about dry-humping.

If you plan on having any small snacks, or even a meal, before going out to meet your date, make sure that it's nothing that will leave your mouth smelling like a sewer. You should probably just stick to mints, or fruit. Or gum.

You should dress appropriately for a date, which means don't wear a hat. If it's really sunny out you can wear sunglasses, and if it really goes with what you're wearing you can wear an appropriate chapeau as long as it isn't a baseball cap. Remember: wearing a hat all the time can lead to prematurely balding. And we don't want that, now, do we?

When it comes to styling your hair, use just enough gel or wax or paste or whatever else you're using to make sure that your hair holds it's shape but that she can still touch it without leaving her hands feeling greasy or pasty. You shouldn't be using so much hair gel that it leaves your hair rock hard, because that, too, can lead to balding. Admittedly, I haven't mastered the whole hair products thing, but I'm also incredibly single. I'm not saying there's a correlation between the two things, but it probably isn't helping my chances.

Wear clean clothes. If you choose a button-up shirt, don't pop the collar. It makes you look like a tool. If you're determined to wear jeans, then make up for it by wearing a nicer shirt. Sure, if you've been in the relationship for a while, then you can both look as trashy as you want, but at least make it look like you thought about putting in some effort. You could even go as far as to iron your clothes, but that's a device I haven't figure out yet, either, so I won't hold it against you.

I don't really own any nice shoes or jackets, but I know enough to realize that wearing a wind-breaker or some other shabby piece of clothing over my date-night-wear is going to work against whatever charisma I might have had going for me.

I had a friend tell me that he was once really worried about having gas on a first date and took some form of laxative a few hours before the date hoping that he would expel himself in time. What he didn't realize was the amount of time it takes for the laxative to kick in. Now, it's not my story to tell, so let's just say that it didn't end well for him or his date's toilet. If this is something that you, too, worry about, then I would suggest buying some Simethicone from any drugstore and just having it in your wallet so you can avoid any fecal-related incidents.

Don't try to calm your nerves by smoking before the date. It will ruin your breath and make you stink. If you're really nervous you can just shoot one out, which will help keep you from getting overly aroused later on! But then you also chance the 'Something About Mary' scenario, so use at your own risk.

As the man, you should be prepared to pay for the first date in it's entirety. On the second date you should still expect to be paying the brunt of the damage, but it's okay to be open to the idea of her paying for some of the activities should she offer. It's only on the third date that you could ever take a chance on going Dutch, but I wouldn't suggest you outright demand it. And don't be surprised if you're still paying for everything by the fourth date, just man up and take out your wallet.

Lastly, try to avoid swearing like a trucker. A lot of people find this more offensive than attractive, so just watch your mouth and, if you have to, swear sparingly and only to emphasise certain points.

...I don't see why anyone should take any of my advice, since none of it has worked out for me, but maybe you'll have better luck.