Parts of this story had to be filled in by my mother, because it all happened so long ago that I don't remember all the details, but it would seem that I've always had a thing for older women, starting with my mother's friend Karen. She was also the first blonde that I fell in love with, but I don't think that's important to the story.
I think my infatuation with Mrs. Robinson began when I was over at her house on a sleepover with her son. When I went to brush my teeth at the end of the night, I managed to lock myself in the bathroom and had a minor freak out.
The door had jammed and no matter how much I struggled with the doorknob I couldn't move it. I imagined myself growing old and dying in the room while Mrs. Robinson was forced to make me pancakes for every meal, which she would slide under the door and I would be forced to eat plain. The family would have to pee outside for the rest of their time there, since I was locked in with the only toilet in the house, and if they ever moved, the new family would just have to invest in an outhouse.
My face was growing steadily warmer and I was just thinking about screaming for help when Karen knocked on the door and asked if everything was all right. "I'M TRAPPED!" I screamed, though I'm positive I meant to say it calmly. She told me to stand back, which I did, and then she bust the door open using her shoulder. It was that moment that gave birth to my love for Xena, Ripley, and every other woman of ass-kickery I would come across. I think this incident would also lend itself to my claustrophobia.
While I fully remember the incident in the bathroom, I honestly don't remember the story that my parents enjoy telling their friends, so the following is second-hand information.
Apparently, while idly playing by myself one afternoon, I walked up to my father with a shoelace in my hand. This is strange because the other end of the shoelace was tied around the ankles of a naked Barbie doll. This might appear...psychotic to most normal people, but I can explain: Barbie had accompanied my Ninja Turtles in a day of bungee jumping off of the upstairs landing. She was naked because, as we all know, you can bungee jump for free if you do it naked. So it's not indicative of me growing up to become a serial killer, it just shows that, even at a young age, I knew a good bargain.
I would like to point out, though, that if you find yourself involving a naked woman in a "good bargain," odds are you'll end the night with some form of infection.
Okay, so I had presented my father with the nude and gravitationally-challenged doll, and asked him "doesn't this look like Mrs. Robinson?" I'm sure there were a lot of thoughts that shot through my father's mind, one of which must of been sending a warning to the Robinson household after realizing in this moment that I greatly resembled the serial-killing Chucky doll.
As my dad is trying to grasp the situation he says "...well...um...I've never seen Karen upside-down and naked before, so..."
I'm not sure what happened after that, because this is when my mom stops telling the story because she's laughing too much, so there are many possibilities with what happened next. I'm positive that my mother would then have phoned Karen and said "you'll never believe what [my idiot son] just said," and then they would have laughed and laughed while I hid in my room and cried.
I have no idea how long my infatuation with Mrs. Robinson lasted, especially since I don't even remember claiming that she had the proportions of a Barbie, but I wasn't friends with her son for too long after this would have happened. It's possible that they moved away, I'm not sure.
I doubt that it had been anything more than a crush, but considering how often my parents tell this story, one would be lead to believe that I had thought that Karen and I would run off together and start a new life in McDonaldland. McDonaldland being the fanciest place that I would have known about at this point in my life. There probably would have been a hot-air-balloon involved, too, what with my love for the Alvin & The Chipmunks movie.
Surprisingly, our relationship went nowhere, and I haven't heard from her in years.
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